As Google makes running shoes talk, I want to know what the others sound like…
A few weeks ago Google launched a talking shoe. No, not in a parallell universe where Walt Disney is alive and has turned his attention to footwear rather than mice, but a shoe designed to motivate runners. It does this by saying things like “I love the feeling of wind in my laces”, “You have made me a very proud shoe” and “Are you a statue? Let’s do this already”.
But what about all the other shoes? If we lived in a world where footwear spoke of their own accord what would they be saying and how would they be saying it? As usual I have a few thoughts on that very issue:
Flip-flops – A Bob Marley sound-a-like with narcolepsy. This pair talk about sand a lot and not in a good way. ‘It gets everywhere man’ is a common phrase, while a salty sea is what sets off the narcolepsy as they are terrified of water.
Doc Martens – A teenage boy whose voice breaks intermittently so it goes from high pitched to deep in the space of seconds. When it’s high it sounds like someone having just sucked helium, when low Darth Vader without emphysema. ‘You won’t break me in’ and ‘Have you bled yet?’ are common phrases. The Doc is a threatening shoe.
Riding boots – These just neigh, a whiny neigh that can only indicate yes or no. Although that doesn’t matter because it’s hard to distinguish which is which, and the real horse always blocks them out. As they are not able to articulate words they just neigh at each other all the time. However they do enjoy both mud and rain so are at their most melodic in winter.
Stilettos – Meryl Streep. Or more so all her voices in every film she has ever been in starting with 101 Dalmatians and moving backwards. In the world of actors she is a stiletto as she towers above most other actresses (apart from maybe Judi Dench, Marion Cotillard & Cate Blanchett) so it only makes sense they sound like her.
Wellies – A farmer with a mouth of marbles. These guys are from the nether regions of the world and as a result are nearly impossible to understand. Every fifth word sounds familiar because it is either ‘ya know’ or ‘yar’.
Sandles – A small girl with a voice so squeaky dogs run away on their approach. Sandles are giddy and like to be the centre of attention, which is a shame as they are more often than not, very ugly. Socks are the only way to muffle the sound and are used effectively by many older men whose dogs do not fetch them shoes, but socks.
Ankle boot – A Russian dominatrix wearing leather and slapping a whip. “I can’t hear you” and “You’ll do as you’re told” are said with regularity. The whipping sound scares the crapp out of most animals so they are banned from zoos, racecourses, animal shelters, safaris etc.
Ballet shoes – These sound wispy, as if the wind is blowing through autumn leaves. They have OCD and are constantly in a state of fear particularly of the outdoors. Often kept in dark places they whisper amongst themselves about faraway places where the world is warm and made of feather stuffed pillows. If provoked however their whimper can become a snarl.
Slippers – It’s a toss up between a grandfather like the one from the Werthers Original adverts or the granny on The Catherine Tate Show. Personally I prefer the latter as her cackling laugh alone makes for a tickly slipper and they would insult each other back and forth constantly. If it was the grandfather they’d be a pair of humming slippers that comfort you when you’re down with phrases like ‘just go for gold’ and ‘you’re someone very special’.
Clogs – It has to be a Dutch voice. From someone that wears windmill brooches and always has a tulip on their person. One day it’s in a lapel, the other protruding from their ear. Clumsy and clunky they often sound as if they are falling over, probably because they are.
Rollerskates – An effeminate man who loves to wear shiny leggings and headbands just like the kids in Fame. Constantly energised, they talk about ‘being pumped’ and unscrew each other ‘just for fun’.
Cowboy boots – A Texan with a white wide-rimmed stetson and a piece of straw always in his mouth. They have a superiority complex and do not mix well with other shoes. Wellies in particular get on their goat and they are often found lunging towards each other under bar stools. They say ‘y’all’ and ‘ya dunno what yer talking about’ a lot.
Golf shoes – These guys sound like a cross between Rory McIlroy and Tiger Woods. They have a Nike tick on their rubbery body somewhere as the only tattooed shoe in the bunch. They are the most promiscuous and charming of all the footwear and spend a lot of time denying allegations or pretending they have tongue ache.
Personally I’d prefer any of the ones on my list rather than the generic robot that is currently speaking for running shoes. Perhaps a support group should set up to help them cope with the tragic misrepresentation they are getting?