This weekend I was coined as relentless. I nagged and didn’t seem able to stop while being unaware I was doing it. This was not good. It didn’t help that I was irritated and had a lot on my plate but – relentless – is not a word I want to be alongside, never mind crawl all over. On consulting with my good friend dictionary.com I found out its many meanings and started to feel worse.
that does not relent; unyieldingly severe, strict, or harsh; unrelenting: a relentless enemy.
rigid, unbending, obdurate, adamant, unyielding. See inflexible.
So not only am I unrelenting, strict and harsh, but according to its antonym I am unmerciful. I have subjected my boyfriend to a day and a half of pecking like a dominant bird in a nest that doesn’t want its sibling to live so it will get more food. It was a revelation to me. I started this blog because I like to rant about things that matter, silly things I notice and people or events in everyday life that are just irritating. But I never wanted to become a nag. A relentless nag at that.
So at what point does ranting become henpecking? How do you know where the line is and how not to know to cross it? I just thought I was giving out a little bit at the weekend. Perhaps giving out a little bit too much ‘I know more than you’ advice. But when I sat back and thought about it he was right. I was being relentless. It was as if all the things that irked me slightly all came to the forefront like a mob being let through the doors to buy a new iPhone. The clambered over each other and wouldn’t relent until I expelled them from my rapidly moving mouth and eye rolls.
The funny thing is there is very little he does that annoys me. Sure, we get on each other’s nerves sometimes and he has habits that I would rather didn’t exist, but all in all I can’t complain. But yet I did and relentlessly. Is this something that happens when you spend a lot of time with someone? As the hours, days and weeks add up does everything just start to grate?
I find it fascinating and repulsive that there seems a need in me to change someone. Not even change, but improve. And what right do I have to that? Who is to say my version of him is better? It is like those experiments where a scene is played out and then individuals are asked to say what happened. Often versions are not the same. As we all pay attention to different things, have our own preferences and foibles. Plus the whole reason you are with someone in the first place is because of those eccentricities, those unique things that made you know you this was a person worth holding onto.
Irritatingly enough he doesn’t nag or moan and certainly not relentlessly. A fact that makes my own ranting all the more obvious, a pointy finger with psychopathic intentions. Madness always looks madder next to sensibility and reason.
A year and a half in we know each other better and are noticing things about each other, the little things, the finer details that perhaps were hidden pretty well. Apparently my ranting gets hyper around stress, if I have something to do that is difficult or I just don’t want to do. This is definitely not unique to me, but instead of ranting at myself in my own apartment he is now the target.
Living on your own can do funny things to you. It creates your own private bubble that can sustain and contain all this stuff. The four walls are a cocoon for the parts of yourself that perhaps you aren’t that fond of. So I need a new tactic. Instead of saying what I want, when I want, I need a way to make sure that the Relentless Ranter does not appear. I need to wear it out with a bike run, smother it with bacon flavoured crisps or pummel it onto a page. Whatever the outlet is I would like to try and keep his mind as free of unrelenting bruises as possible. The Reluctant Ranter needs to keep her cousin in check.