Seeing as Halloween is imminent, the season of all that is bloody and scary. I thought it apt to think about what we should be scared of if magic were to descend upon the earth on October 31st, and make our lives what it must be like to live in Stephen King’s head.
1) Inanimate objects coming to life. In theory a fab thing with your kettle and toaster having a good old natter while they prepare your breakfast in their innards, or the electric blanket having a great debate with the duvet about the merits of feather versus artificial filling. But who says they have to behave. Mayhem would surely ensue as they realised they were only there for our pleasure and to serve us. In my world they would rip themselves from walls and plugs and use their collaborative intelligence about well… everything and take over the world. Terminator would be nothing. Terminator would the preferred bedtime story for their offspring.
2) Forget zombies, bring on the nombies. So called because they make the inside of your brain start feasting on itself with boredom and making ‘nom nom’ noises. You are tied to a chair for the night of Halloween and forced to listen to them. They talk incessantly about themselves without taking breath and show you pictures of their children. “This is her at 1 month old” or “Ah, this one is of her at 33 days old.” Or if there are no children, then the pets come out “Look at his little face” or “Look at this new outfit I bought him, isn’t it darling?” Or they just take you though every entry on their Facebook page from inception. Yeah, that should do it. Give me a zombie any day; at least it’s over quickly.
3) Talking animals. Granted if animals could talk the world would be a more interesting place, but what would they say? What for example would a meerkat say about the exploitative nature of the ‘Compare the Meerkat.com’ adverts? Or the polar bear when she learns that her birth was aired on TV to all and sundry without thought for her dignity? Or what about the cow/sheep/horse on his/her way to the slaughterhouse when really prepared for a nice holiday by the pool. There would be lawsuits my friend, lawsuits, and many angry letters to the paper.
4) Alucard, the little known brother of Dracula that instead of sucking blood spits it. He waits in alleyways and on window ledges to spray it while you pass by. You may not die from his actions, but you will be cold and it will be over your neck (because c’mon they both have a fetish for the neck area) meaning you will have to always carry a change of clothes, or just stay in clothes all day that look like your jugular has burst open. Ironically this may be a deterrent to the infamous Dracula, as he thinks you have already been bled.
5) Irritating Disney characters such as Snow White and Cinderella being real. Yeah they might be good for a yarn when you put them alongside dwarves and some ugly sisters, but imagine sitting down having to talk to them. No I don’t have a prince yet. No I don’t like cleaning the kitchen and singing with birds. No I’m not happy being told what to do all the time and obeying it no questions asked. C’mon you simpering drawings, get some balls.
6) The dead, who refuse to hide and haunt, but instead call round for a chat. They may be dead but they have lots to say. These ones don’t need to find a gifted psychic to get their point across (if such a thing exists), but instead take a pew on the sofa and tell it themselves. They are still a bit see through and most definitely grubby with a unique pong, but have lots of time to make up for and plenty of questions to ask.
7) Puberty. Everyone on earth goes back or forward to the point in puberty where you are the most annoying, most obnoxious and always think you are right. There would be wars, but with slamming doors and blaring music. All Apple stores and any remaining HMV’s would be looted, while bars and clubs would be full of roaring, groping and vomiting.