High heels are here to stay & now they’re after your children

High heel for child

Apparently sales of high-heeled shoes are on the up. Seeing as women pay mad amounts of money just for the glimpse of a red sole, this may come as no surprise. But the problem in this instance is that these heels aren’t for women, they are in fact for children.

Suri Cruise is to blame for this according to the New York Times. The seven year old offspring of the strangest man in the world (albeit a very wealthy and powerful man) chooses to spend her days tottering around in a pair of glittery peep-toes – large heel included. ‘Chooses’ is the key word there. Of course a small girl who likes pink and dreams about being a princess (completely unaware that she is treated as one in reality and does live in a whopping great castle unlike the rest of us minions) is going to want to wear sparkly shoes. It’s Wizard of Oz without the green faced witch. It’s prancing down a yellow brick road without the flying monkeys. It’s fun.

The problem here isn’t Suri or the other children that have these strappy numbers attached to their feet. The problem is the parents. I mean I’d love to leave the house swathed in an oversized blanket clutching a hot water bottle. Or wrap myself in a bin bag when it’s lashing outside and all I really want to do is lie down next to the radiator. But I don’t. Because well apart from the looks of ‘are you mad’ from the general population, it’s just not the done thing. I don’t think my boss would like it, especially if there were meetings involved or any way at all that I was in contact with the general public. Plus I think after a while I may not be able to distinguish the parts of my life anymore as they would all bleed into one big blanket fest. The children may like and want these shoes, but it’s the one with the wallet that buys them. Prancing around in your mother’s (or father’s) heels is no longer a fun thing to do at home, now you can make it a baby’s reality.

Heels

I have to wonder what the thought process is behind this (hopefully) new fad. I mean are these heel purchasing parents just indulging their children’s every whim? Are they worried that their small feet will not get enough bunions and blisters in their life so they need to start early? Is it some kind of endurance test for the products of their loins? A kind of – if you survive a week in those things without socks and on daily walks up a steep hill then you are the master of your destiny, a child truly worthy of my love and attention.

I guess it was only a matter of time before the shoes came next. Everything else in the shops, particularly for girls, is a mini version of what their mother would wear. Or a woman with a penchant for crop tops, tutus and strapless numbers. Why do we all seem in such a rush for kids to grow up? The lines now seem blurred between child and adult, the age of consent merely a watermark that the tide has long swept away.

While writing this I can’t help think of the great sketch in ‘Modern Family’ when the child Lily keeps running away at Disneyland and they don’t know how to stop her. Her grandfather, married to a 8 inch-heeled woman himself knows exactly what to do and takes Lily shopping. When they return she is in heels and shuffling around the place like an arthritic elderly person on a Zimmer frame. Problem solved, parents happy.

So maybe that’s it. Maybe all these parents just want their kids to calm down and take it easy so they can too. I mean after all it’s a better option than Ritalin.

As Google makes running shoes talk, I want to know what the others sound like…

Google shoe

As Google makes running shoes talk, I want to know what the others sound like…

A few weeks ago Google launched a talking shoe. No, not in a parallell universe where Walt Disney is alive and has turned his attention to footwear rather than mice, but a shoe designed to motivate runners. It does this by saying things like “I love the feeling of wind in my laces”, “You have made me a very proud shoe” and “Are you a statue? Let’s do this already”.

But what about all the other shoes? If we lived in a world where footwear spoke of their own accord what would they be saying and how would they be saying it? As usual I have a few thoughts on that very issue:

Flip-flops – A Bob Marley sound-a-like with narcolepsy. This pair talk about sand a lot and not in a good way. ‘It gets everywhere man’ is a common phrase, while a salty sea is what sets off the narcolepsy as they are terrified of water.

Doc Martens – A teenage boy whose voice breaks intermittently so it goes from high pitched to deep in the space of seconds. When it’s high it sounds like someone having just sucked helium, when low Darth Vader without emphysema. ‘You won’t break me in’ and ‘Have you bled yet?’ are common phrases. The Doc is a threatening shoe.

Riding boots – These just neigh, a whiny neigh that can only indicate yes or no. Although that doesn’t matter because it’s hard to distinguish which is which, and the real horse always blocks them out. As they are not able to articulate words they just neigh at each other all the time. However they do enjoy both mud and rain so are at their most melodic in winter.

Stilletos

Stilettos – Meryl Streep. Or more so all her voices in every film she has ever been in starting with 101 Dalmatians and moving backwards. In the world of actors she is a stiletto as she towers above most other actresses (apart from maybe Judi Dench, Marion Cotillard & Cate Blanchett) so it only makes sense they sound like her.

Wellies – A farmer with a mouth of marbles. These guys are from the nether regions of the world and as a result are nearly impossible to understand. Every fifth word sounds familiar because it is either ‘ya know’ or ‘yar’.

Sandles – A small girl with a voice so squeaky dogs run away on their approach. Sandles are giddy and like to be the centre of attention, which is a shame as they are more often than not, very ugly. Socks are the only way to muffle the sound and are used effectively by many older men whose dogs do not fetch them shoes, but socks.

Ankle boot – A Russian dominatrix wearing leather and slapping a whip. “I can’t hear you” and “You’ll do as you’re told” are said with regularity. The whipping sound scares the crapp out of most animals so they are banned from zoos, racecourses, animal shelters, safaris etc.

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